Heartbreak

As I look to the topic list, I'm not surprised I have gotten stuck here.  Having recently initiated a breakup makes this one painful to contemplate.  I go back and forth with using this outlet as a way to put out there what comes to my mind and heart when I try to write about heartbreak.  Should I try and put out of my head what comes to mind and write something entirely different?  Should I try and fictionalize it, even though those close to me know what(who) I am really talking about?  Is this too public a place to write my thoughts when she may read them and it may cause more pain for her, and people who know both of us will certainly read? Yet I am stuck feeling compelled to write it out, unable to simply skip it and move on to the next topic. I tried to move on to "Fences" and "Something Close To You" and the same thing happened. I want to write about "It" and until I do not much else is going to happen.

Having one's heart broken is a terrible thing.  Most of us have been there, and we can relate.  Being the breaker is a less sympathetic role. I remember when two friends of mine left their partners to be together. They were part of a larger group of close friends who vacationed together, had dinner together weekly, partied together for more than fifteen years.  I was friendly with everyone, some more than others, but not a part of the inner group.  When Darlene told me Skip had left her a note on the mantel while she was away at a conference, I didn't immediately connect it to Bill telling Corydon two days before, "June brought me some tea and said 'Today is the day I'm leaving you.'"  The fact that they left together actually took me a day or so to fully realize.  The shock wave still rolls through this group of friends to a more or less extent ten years later. Darlene's first response to me: "It isn't so much that he left me; we certainly have had our problems in this marriage and that doesn't surprise me.  It's that he turned my life into a FUCKING JERRY SPRINGER EPISODE!"  Everyone in the close group of friends was devastated.  Corydon and I were shook up.  It still stings sometimes, and if I had to see Skip and June on a regular basis, perhaps it will have faded.  They moved away so I have not had to find out.  Would it have felt better if they had done therapy, sat and talked things out, if he was there for her pain and grief, if she could hear him tell her why he needed to leave?  I'm not certain that would have helped.

Is it possible to break up with someone "right"?  I like to think that is happening in my marriage, but time will tell since it is happening at a geologic rate.  None of the breakups I have initiated (three) happened quickly from my perspective, although each person I broke it off with expressed surprise.  "I knew things were not going well, but..." was a theme.  My inner thought has been, "Really?"  At first it was said in my head in a sarcastic tone, then evolved to contemplation.  Really?  Am I not expressing myself well?  Am I being too indirect?  I've never been accused of being oblique but perhaps when it comes to relationships I am not as capable of being open with how I am feeling.  I hate to be hurtful, and will sometimes walk around criticism. I've always thought I have good boundaries and don't tolerate bullshit, but certainly I can think of examples where I have excused bad behavior toward me, or been able to forgive because I either did not want to give up on the relationship or it was making me sick to hang on to the anger.  What is the line between flexible and willing to work on things and not having good boundaries, allowing myself to be treated poorly?

By far the worst breakup is the most recent.  The extreme depth of her pain, reaching toward me in ways that are painful for her of course and to see and experience from my end as well, her mixed messages and inability to let things go, the twists she puts on things--it hurts.  It hurts to feel like the cause of this grief, and of course she says I am the cause.  I know intellectually I am not solely, but that the change in our relationship was the trigger for this huge outpouring of pain.  She started spinning it in her head before it even really happened, changing the facts and putting the worst possible light on it. I said I was ready for friendship with her, as we had discussed.  Ready to move into something more with someone else, something that will be a partnership.  She said "You are dumping me.  Just say it that way, don't sugarcoat it."  And I had a decision to make:  take it all back or just agree with her and be out of it.  As hard as it is, I needed to be out of it.  From there, she has taken every good thing we shared and twisted it into a negative. Her memory changes to reflect her feelings.  Now, I never loved her. The last time we had sex was robotic and horrible.  I was using her for her money.  I said I dumped her because she is old and decrepit.  I am a liar and a cheater.  She tells people these things, and I tell people nothing.  Should I have put off the conversation until after fest?  Deferred, soothed her, stuffed my feelings of suffocation and growing impatience with her bitterness and negativity?  Forced myself to spend time with her through another fest filled with her talking shit about people every night in bed, waiting for her rage to turn onto me (again)?  I have thought in the past, "why am I still doing this?  This is not a partnership and is never going to be. If is isn't fun anymore, why am I still here?"

What took me so long?

The nature of a long distance relationship can be forgiving.  The honeymoon lasts longer and it is easy to let go of the bad things when they aren't right there in your face.  But really, the bad things were right there in my face.  I just overlooked them because I wanted *someone* and I got many of my needs met in that relationship.  It was accommodating to my life.  I was able to have a relationship with a woman who did not demand I divorce my husband.  In fact, when I talked about divorcing him she was very discouraging.  I think this was partly because she related my relationship with him to her relationship with her husband and she is very much in love with him and partnered for life.  Also though:  a change with him would mean a change with us.  She knows I want a full time partner, and a step toward that is a step away from her.

I think I am a very accommodating person.  I tolerate people's quirks, strangeness, etc. more than some.  I think my work experience has taught me to be understanding and not take things personally when maybe sometimes I should take them personally.  I have at times let people say very rude things to me without any response from me other than ignoring or avoiding and I think that is part of it too.  I don't want negativity to mar my fest so I let things slide, and my relationship with her was very tied up in my emotional relationship with fest.

There have been consequences from this breakup, and I'm sure it isn't finished yet.  Some people have definitely chosen sides.  I am dating someone who recently left her partner and that is messy and complicates things in ways that will be twisted and used against me.  Attributions and correlations will be made that are inaccurate and I may be starting over in many ways.  Many times Red told me she would be happy for me when I find the right woman, when I move into something that fits even though it would hurt her to lose me.  I wish that were true; true or not, it is worth it.